Never judge a book...

I lay on the faded green carpet watching a sitcom.

My canine companion sat in front of me.  It seemed at the time rather strange to me; usually he lay by my side when I watched television.

At the time I lived in a run-down home with an odd assortment of bohemian housemates.  It was both exhilarating and exhausting.

There was however one night I shall never forget.

There was a knock at the door.  I answered the door - remembering the person at the door vaguely from an interaction with one of my house-mates.  My dog, sitting in front of me bared his teeth and growled.  He did not even seem to want to allow this person into my home.

I was embarrassed at the time, scolding my dog.

I remember the person at the door talking to my house-mate and then leaving rather abruptly.

My dog growled, bared his fangs and sat in front of me the whole time.

I was worried - I mean, did this mean my dog was aggressive? Should I have trained him better?


As it would turn out - time would give me the answers.

Two months after the above mentioned evening - and after I had moved out of this share-house I would learn the following....


The person my dog was growling at/baring his teeth at had in fact committed crimes.  Violent crimes.

That is why my dog was protecting me.

The person had in fact harmed women.



...and to this day I believe in my canine companion.

He was trying to protect me. And I doubted him.

...and I never shall again.

The Light and the Dark

I strive to be honest.

Which isn’t always easy.....

For a number of reasons.

So prepare yourself for what you’re about to read...

I have Depression.

I also have an Anxiety Disorder.

My whole life I have lived with both; at times successfully and at times rather unsuccessfully.

For many years I tried to find relief in: meditation, yoga, exercise, a vegetarian diet, counselling…and to be honest - well, the list is rather long…

At age twenty-seven I decided to see a Doctor and get help in the form of Medication and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I remember feeling sad at the time – like I was a ‘failure’. 

I’d tried my whole life to heal things naturally and without drugs of any kind.

Nowadays I see things far differently.

My father once said to me, “if a Diabetic needs Insulin to correct their blood-sugar levels nobody questions it.  If a person who has a chemical imbalance in their brain needs medication to correct this imbalance they are judged and a stigma still exists.  It’s not right.”

Perhaps he’s right. 

Perhaps he’s not.

I tend to agree with him, but that’s because I’ve struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety attacks that have been at times debilitating.  I cannot describe in words how awful an experience they are/were. 

Those that experience anxiety and depression or love someone who experiences these things can probably relate to what I am writing here. 

Please understand that I am only expressing my feelings here.  I am not saying that medication and cognitive behavioural therapy works for everyone.  Some people may benefit from it, some may not.  I have found that healthy eating, exercise and meditation have also assisted my mental health.  Again – these things may assist some people and not others.

The reason I have decided to write this piece is because I want to share my experiences with others.  I’ve struggled my whole life with my anxiety and depression.  Despite this I am proud of how much I’ve achieved, how far I’ve come and how I’ve dealt with circumstances that in the past would have made me so anxious I would not have been able to do them at all…. 

And I want to share my story with others....because, well...

I want people to know they're not alone. 

Perspective

Today I got a stone-cold dose of perspective.

It was precisely what the Doctor had ordered.


On my laptop are a variety of different documentaries I have not yet had the time to watch.

This afternoon I thought I'd sit down and watch one.


I picked one at random.

It was a BBC documentary and quite a well produced one. The topic of the documentary was disabled orphans living in state care in the Ukraine.

Despite the subject matter I decided I'd watch the documentary.

Around 34 minutes into the documentary I found myself pressing 'pause' and in tears.


Not only did I feel sad, I also felt many other emotions.

The most overwhelming one being disgust - with myself.


These children smiled, laughed and seemed to keep a positive perspective on life no matter what it through their way and despite the fact that the circumstances they found themselves in were no fault of their own.


I was involved in a car accident on Tuesday.  I had been feeling angry because my car was 'written off' and I was not sure what would happen next.

All of the emotions I had felt - especially those involved me feeling sorry for myself suddenly flew out the window.


I was disgusted at myself for worrying so profusely about things that truly don't matter.


Sometimes it's hard to see outside the little world that you live in. But today I started to question why it was I had forgotten to be thankful for all I had - instead of being angry about trivial matters.

I'd like to place blame - but that's just a cop-out.  I had a fabulous life.


I have a job I like.

I have a roof over my head.

I have access to healthy food.

I have access to clean water.

I have people in my life that not only 'get me' but love me, despite my hyperactivity and anxiety.

I have some amazing friends and family in my life.



I am disgusted with myself for not seeing how wonderful my life is and how blessed I am.

..and I guess no matter what happens in the future I wish to be a better person - count my blessings and keep moving forward.


I feel like it's more than me being a 'good person' - it's about me being the person I want to be, someone I can say I honestly feel proud of being and who gives to others.


I guess sometimes it's all about perspective.