If money was no object - what would you do?

If your Life were a Book...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2QZM7azGoA

Never judge a book...

I lay on the faded green carpet watching a sitcom.

My canine companion sat in front of me.  It seemed at the time rather strange to me; usually he lay by my side when I watched television.

At the time I lived in a run-down home with an odd assortment of bohemian housemates.  It was both exhilarating and exhausting.

There was however one night I shall never forget.

There was a knock at the door.  I answered the door - remembering the person at the door vaguely from an interaction with one of my house-mates.  My dog, sitting in front of me bared his teeth and growled.  He did not even seem to want to allow this person into my home.

I was embarrassed at the time, scolding my dog.

I remember the person at the door talking to my house-mate and then leaving rather abruptly.

My dog growled, bared his fangs and sat in front of me the whole time.

I was worried - I mean, did this mean my dog was aggressive? Should I have trained him better?


As it would turn out - time would give me the answers.

Two months after the above mentioned evening - and after I had moved out of this share-house I would learn the following....


The person my dog was growling at/baring his teeth at had in fact committed crimes.  Violent crimes.

That is why my dog was protecting me.

The person had in fact harmed women.



...and to this day I believe in my canine companion.

He was trying to protect me. And I doubted him.

...and I never shall again.

The Light and the Dark

I strive to be honest.

Which isn’t always easy.....

For a number of reasons.

So prepare yourself for what you’re about to read...

I have Depression.

I also have an Anxiety Disorder.

My whole life I have lived with both; at times successfully and at times rather unsuccessfully.

For many years I tried to find relief in: meditation, yoga, exercise, a vegetarian diet, counselling…and to be honest - well, the list is rather long…

At age twenty-seven I decided to see a Doctor and get help in the form of Medication and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

I remember feeling sad at the time – like I was a ‘failure’. 

I’d tried my whole life to heal things naturally and without drugs of any kind.

Nowadays I see things far differently.

My father once said to me, “if a Diabetic needs Insulin to correct their blood-sugar levels nobody questions it.  If a person who has a chemical imbalance in their brain needs medication to correct this imbalance they are judged and a stigma still exists.  It’s not right.”

Perhaps he’s right. 

Perhaps he’s not.

I tend to agree with him, but that’s because I’ve struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety attacks that have been at times debilitating.  I cannot describe in words how awful an experience they are/were. 

Those that experience anxiety and depression or love someone who experiences these things can probably relate to what I am writing here. 

Please understand that I am only expressing my feelings here.  I am not saying that medication and cognitive behavioural therapy works for everyone.  Some people may benefit from it, some may not.  I have found that healthy eating, exercise and meditation have also assisted my mental health.  Again – these things may assist some people and not others.

The reason I have decided to write this piece is because I want to share my experiences with others.  I’ve struggled my whole life with my anxiety and depression.  Despite this I am proud of how much I’ve achieved, how far I’ve come and how I’ve dealt with circumstances that in the past would have made me so anxious I would not have been able to do them at all…. 

And I want to share my story with others....because, well...

I want people to know they're not alone. 

Perspective

Today I got a stone-cold dose of perspective.

It was precisely what the Doctor had ordered.


On my laptop are a variety of different documentaries I have not yet had the time to watch.

This afternoon I thought I'd sit down and watch one.


I picked one at random.

It was a BBC documentary and quite a well produced one. The topic of the documentary was disabled orphans living in state care in the Ukraine.

Despite the subject matter I decided I'd watch the documentary.

Around 34 minutes into the documentary I found myself pressing 'pause' and in tears.


Not only did I feel sad, I also felt many other emotions.

The most overwhelming one being disgust - with myself.


These children smiled, laughed and seemed to keep a positive perspective on life no matter what it through their way and despite the fact that the circumstances they found themselves in were no fault of their own.


I was involved in a car accident on Tuesday.  I had been feeling angry because my car was 'written off' and I was not sure what would happen next.

All of the emotions I had felt - especially those involved me feeling sorry for myself suddenly flew out the window.


I was disgusted at myself for worrying so profusely about things that truly don't matter.


Sometimes it's hard to see outside the little world that you live in. But today I started to question why it was I had forgotten to be thankful for all I had - instead of being angry about trivial matters.

I'd like to place blame - but that's just a cop-out.  I had a fabulous life.


I have a job I like.

I have a roof over my head.

I have access to healthy food.

I have access to clean water.

I have people in my life that not only 'get me' but love me, despite my hyperactivity and anxiety.

I have some amazing friends and family in my life.



I am disgusted with myself for not seeing how wonderful my life is and how blessed I am.

..and I guess no matter what happens in the future I wish to be a better person - count my blessings and keep moving forward.


I feel like it's more than me being a 'good person' - it's about me being the person I want to be, someone I can say I honestly feel proud of being and who gives to others.


I guess sometimes it's all about perspective.

Beauty

Standing in my bathroom this morning listening to Amy Winehouse whilst getting ready for Work, I stared into the mirror.

I looked at the lines beneath my eyes, my stomach and my thighs.

Although I pondered (yet again) where the years had gone I also began to wonder when I had started to look at the negatives in the mirror instead of the positives.

I have my Father’s eyes.

I have my Grandmother’s smile.

I have my Mother’s big heart.

…and not only that I am also happy, healthy and loved.

And so I began to wonder how it got to this; perhaps it is indeed time to turn off the TV, ignore fashion magazines and look within.

Time and time again we are told that outer beauty is paramount. We are sold an idea – an idea that can cause illness and pain (in the form of eating disorders and other mental illnesses) and yet it also sells cosmetics, clothes, surgery and even a ‘lifestyle’.

Kate Moss once famously said, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”.  (This is an apparently well-outdated and no longer used slogan for a weight-loss company).  So I find myself examining just what the true effect this kind of  statement has on many women.  In an age where information can be shared so quickly and so freely – what kind of effect will this have on the women of today and indeed tomorrow?

In the last few years I have battled with my own weight.  Once 48 kilograms and waif-like I am now however much closer to 70 kilograms. But I am also happy, fulfilled and a great deal healthier (both mentally and physically) than I was at my lower weight.  I also realise that it really is as the cliché goes that it's ‘what’s inside that counts’.  I’ve met some amazing people over the last few years and I realise that outward appearance does not matter.  Please understand that I am not saying people should neglect their health – I am merely saying that how a person looks has nothing to do with their inner beauty. 

I don’t have a magic solution.  I have no idea what comes next.

But I do know this – photoshop and fashion magazines may make things look beautiful for a moment, but what a beautiful person does can shape lives and change people for the better.

And to be honest, I strive to be the latter.